Both Ends

For helpers

How to be someone's person

Five minutes of plain guidance for friends, partners and family. You may never be called. Being ready is the point.

This is general guidance, not professional advice. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911. For crisis support, call or text 988.

What you are saying yes to

Being one of a few people someone can reach on a hard day. You may never be called. Most days, nothing happens.

When they do ask, you see their own card: what a hard moment looks like for them, what helps, and what not to say. They wrote it on a good day, in their own words. Their card always comes before anything on this page.

You are never the only one. Circles have at least two helpers, and you can always say "I can't right now."

Listening is the whole job

You are not a counselor, and nobody expects you to be. You do not need the right words. Five small things are enough:

  1. Notice. "I saw you asked. I am here."
  2. Listen, and say back what you heard.
  3. Ask: "What would help right now?"
  4. Hand off if it is beyond you. Help them reach 988 and stay with them.
  5. Check in again tomorrow.

In the app, when someone in your circle has a moment, you can say "I've got this one". They see your name, and the other helpers are told they can stand down. If you cannot help this time, say "I can't right now". It needs no reason, and the others are still being asked. Saying so quickly helps more than silence.

What to leave out

  • Fixing, advice and silver linings. "At least…" rarely helps.
  • Questions about what happened, or details they have not offered.
  • Promises you would be asking them to make. Stay with them instead.
  • Telling other people, unless their life is at risk.

Do and don't, by kind of moment

In Both Ends, the person chooses the kind of moment when they ask. These are starting points for each kind. The person's own card comes first.

Panic

Do

  • Slow your own voice and breathing; they will follow
  • Say what is true: "I am here. This will pass."
  • Ask "what would help in the next few minutes?"
  • Stay until it eases, then let them rest

Don't

  • Tell them to calm down or relax
  • Argue with the fear or explain why it is not logical
  • Ask them to describe it in detail
  • Leave suddenly once it starts to ease

A very low day

Do

  • Listen without fixing
  • Suggest one small next step and offer to do it together
  • If you are worried, ask directly: "Are you thinking about suicide?" Asking does not plant the idea.
  • Say you will check in tomorrow, and do

Don't

  • Minimize it ("it is not that bad")
  • Give advice they did not ask for
  • Take silence personally
  • Keep it to yourself if they are in danger: call or text 988 together

Grief

Do

  • Say the name of the person who died
  • Let them tell the same story again
  • Offer something specific ("I am bringing dinner Thursday")
  • Remember the hard dates and reach out on them

Don't

  • Look for a bright side
  • Put a timeline on it
  • Compare it with your own loss
  • Disappear after the first few weeks

An urge to use

Do

  • Keep them company while the urge rises and passes; most pass within half an hour
  • Ask "what would help in the next hour?"
  • Suggest moving: a different room, outside, somewhere with people
  • If they have a sponsor or a meeting, help them get to it
  • If they do use, stay kind. A return to use is not the end of recovery.

Don't

  • Shame, threaten or bargain
  • Push them to stop everything at once: stopping alcohol or some medicines suddenly can be dangerous, and a doctor should guide it
  • Search their things or check up on them
  • Count days out loud, or act as if a slip means starting from zero

An urge to hurt themselves

Do

  • Stay calm and stay with them
  • Ask directly if you are worried: "Are you thinking about suicide?" Asking does not plant the idea.
  • Ask if they would like you to look after anything in the house for a while
  • Help them reach 988 (call or text) if it is more than you can hold, and stay while they do
  • Call 911 if they are in immediate danger

Don't

  • Ask for details of what they did or might do
  • Ask for promises about safety
  • React with shock, anger or ultimatums
  • Keep it secret if their life is at risk

A trauma response

Do

  • Speak slowly; say who you are, where they are, and today's date
  • Ask before any touch, even a hug
  • Offer choices: "Would you like me to stay or give you space?"
  • Let them set the pace

Don't

  • Ask what happened or press for the story
  • Tell them how they should feel
  • Take over or make decisions for them
  • Bring in someone they did not choose

Burnout

Do

  • Listen first; ask "what is the heaviest thing right now?"
  • Offer one concrete thing you can take over
  • Help them pick one thing to drop this week
  • Check in again in a few days

Don't

  • Compare workloads
  • Suggest they push through
  • Turn it into a plan for fixing their whole life
  • Add to the list

Caregiving is too much

Do

  • Ask how they are, separately from the person they care for
  • Offer a specific break ("I can come Saturday 2 to 4")
  • Let them be angry, sad or relieved without correcting it
  • Keep offering; needs change week to week

Don't

  • Praise instead of helping
  • Give advice about the care itself unless asked
  • Judge the feelings that come with exhaustion
  • Wait to be asked every time

Feeling very alone

Do

  • Call rather than text if you can
  • Share something small and real from your own day
  • Make a simple plan together for this week
  • Reach out again without being asked

Don't

  • Offer solutions to loneliness in general
  • Sound surprised that they feel this way
  • Make it a one-time rescue
  • Cancel the plan you made

Something else

Do

  • Notice: "It seems like something is up."
  • Listen, and say back what you heard
  • Ask "what would help right now?"
  • Check in again tomorrow

Don't

  • Minimize or compare
  • Fix it before you understand it
  • Ask for more of the story than they offer
  • Carry it alone: you are one of several helpers

When it is more than you can hold

  • If you are worried they might end their life, ask directly: "Are you thinking about suicide?" Asking does not plant the idea.
  • Help them call or text 988, and stay while they do. They can also text HOME to 741741.
  • If they are in immediate danger, call 911.
  • In the app you can ask for backup, which brings in backup helpers while you stay, or hand the moment back, so everyone else is asked again.

You are not a counselor, and Both Ends is not an emergency service. Handing off is helping.

Looking after yourself

You can only be there for someone if your own end is looked after too. None of these needs a reason.

  • Off hours. Set a time range when you are not asked, for sleep or work.
  • Backup. Choose to be asked only if nobody else has answered after a few minutes.
  • A day or a week off. For when you have nothing spare.
  • Step back for now. It stops you being asked and sends no message. The person sees that their circle is one smaller, so they can add someone. The door stays open.

Your time off never leaves them without options. If nobody is on, the person is told plainly and shown crisis lines. And if a moment stays with you afterwards, 988 is there for helpers too.

The weeks after

A few words the next day, and now and then over the following weeks, often matter more than what was said in the moment. Both Ends reminds helpers the next day, after three days, then after one, two, four, six and eight weeks.

Keep it to a sentence. Do not ask questions or ask for promises. Every note ends with "No reply needed." You are not shown whether it was read. It is only to say you are still here.

Offering to be in someone's circle

You can set up Both Ends as a helper with nobody attached. After the guide, the app gives you an offer card: a link, or a printable card with a QR code, that says you would like to be one of their people.

  • The offer only suggests your first name. It never adds you to anything.
  • The other person decides. If they say yes, they send you the real invitation themselves, from their own phone.
  • Hand it over on a good day, and let them take their time. No answer is an answer too.

Open Both Ends as a helper Words you can send

What this guide can and cannot do

This is general guidance, drawn from published advice for friends and family. Guidance like this has been shown to make helpers more confident. It has not been shown to change how things turn out for the person helped. Both Ends does not train, check or vouch for helpers. Helpers are ordinary people who care about someone.

Both Ends is not an emergency service, not therapy, and not a medical device. More on what has and has not been tested is on the privacy page and in Questions.